im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
