I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
