i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
