you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
