so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
