she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
