my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
