VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
