She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
