ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
