i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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