life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Come back. Shots need mouths.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
