We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome