oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.