My friends, they love my intelligence
My brain says no but my pants say off.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
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dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
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Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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