it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
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My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
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Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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