My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
