But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
