We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Randomize
