I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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