mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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