The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My liver just broke up with me...
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
