My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
