if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
