Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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