I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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