If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Randomize
