I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
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I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
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Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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