he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
