had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
