so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
