i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
