This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Randomize
