does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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