Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i used baking grease as lip gloss
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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