mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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