there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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