Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
