screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
