when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
