You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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