Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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