I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
