I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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