my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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