I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
