What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She told me I should be a condom model.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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