Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
