i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
