Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
