I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
That reminds me...we need to get swords
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
