What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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