Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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