he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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