just tell him i said nine months
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
