I met the friendliest cop last night
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
