she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
