if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
