you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
